Your gracious Majesty, it is indeed an honor to be called upon in this time of need!  I was highly amused  sorely vexed to hear of your clumsiness tragedy, and after laughing my ass off saying a prayer for your safety, I spent some time in the alehouse laboratory to seduce Molly contemplate a solution.

For the potion to loosen aching muscles and stiff joints, I suggest a concoction easily made from handy household items!  Start with a healthy dose of frozen strawberries crushed with mortar and pestle, and add them to half a pint of Juice of Lime.  Add another pint or so of liqueur d'orange, and chill with slivered ice.  Finally, add a quart of finest gold Tequila, and mix well. The entire mixture should be consumed in one sitting.

The treatment for bruising in delicate areas is not so much a potion as it is a salve, which must be applied with great care directly to the affected area.  Due to the highly volatile and sensitive nature of the treatment, I must insist that Your Majesty allow no one but ME to apply this soothing balm to the Royal nether regions! Please note also that for maximum effectiveness, the application should be performed shortly after consumption of the relaxing potion detailed above.  With permission, I shall call upon Your Majesty at earliest opportunity to administer to her needs.

Respectfully yours,

Alabaster