Your gracious Majesty, it is indeed an honor to be called upon in this time of need!  I was highly amused  sorely vexed to hear of your clumsiness tragedy, and after laughing my ass off saying a prayer for your safety, I spent some time in the alehouse laboratory to seduce Molly contemplate a solution.

For the potion to loosen aching muscles and stiff joints, I suggest a concoction easily made from handy household items!  Start with a healthy dose of frozen strawberries crushed with mortar and pestle, and add them to half a pint of Juice of Lime.  Add another pint or so of liqueur d'orange, and chill with slivered ice.  Finally, add a quart of finest gold Tequila, and mix well. The entire mixture should be consumed in one sitting.

The treatment for bruising in delicate areas is not so much a potion as it is a salve, which must be applied with great care directly to the affected area.  Due to the highly volatile and sensitive nature of the treatment, I must insist that Your Majesty allow no one but ME to apply this soothing balm to the Royal nether regions! Please note also that for maximum effectiveness, the application should be performed shortly after consumption of the relaxing potion detailed above.  With permission, I shall call upon Your Majesty at earliest opportunity to administer to her needs.

Respectfully yours,

Alabaster 

Sorry, I've been busy in the apothecary working out the bugs in a few new concoctions, and unable to respond to Her Majesty's requests in a timely manner. But now there's a bit of a breather whilst the ashes cool and my new apprentice sifts out the lumps of melted glass and bits of charred bone. It's so hard to find good help these days!

I do have a simple little elixir that will clear up all manner of oily discharges, regardless of the orifice of origin. One drop daily and any symptoms should clear up in a week or so. It can easily be mixed into any alcoholic beverage to mask the unpleasant odor, and all traces of discharge should be gone in, say, six to eight weeks. Some side effects are hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, and throat; severe headache; blurred vision; numbness; seizure; diarrhea; constipation; and rectal itching.

As for the Spaniel, a few drops of arsenic dribbled onto his food should take care of that problem.

Thanks for asking!

Al